Shane Allison

Commercial

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It’s your life feed it right
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Kill the germs, feel the clean
Why be plain, when you can be crunchy
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Because you’re worth it
Nobody beats our price
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Go ahead, turn on the fun
Go ahead, get dirty
Petco: where the pets go
That’s Mlife
Rated T for teen
Crave the wave
Verizon: We never stop working for you
Clean, clear and under control
Clearly a whole new way to look at wireless
Shop happy, leave happy
Because there’s a lot of life to absorb
Do you have the bunny inside
It’s good to be full
Built Ford tough
Real food, real life, real results
Pleasure you can’t measure
Think outside the bun
Mama’s got the magic of Clorox 2
When you’re here, your family
Always low prices, always
With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good
We never stop working for you
Lots of allergies, just one Zeitek
Dove hair care is here
The more you know
Disney: Where magic lives
Bake the very best
Drive and love
We do chicken right
Make it a Bud light
Obey your thirst
Dishwashing made for the 21st century
Like a rock!
Got milk?
Got chocolate milk?
Cross into the blue
You deserve a break today
The snack that smiles back goldfish
The flavor never fades
Live richly
A whole new way to see the world

masturbation poem

Before rising and shining
Before brushing my teeth
Before I feed my pet
Before a lit cigarette

I need to jack off

Before taking a shower
Before gargling mouthwash
Before lifting the toilet seat
To take a leak

I have to beat my meat

Before the eggs get scrambled
Before the toast is toasted
Before the coffee beans are roasted

I gotta choke my chicken

Before the tie is tied
Before my shoes are tied
Before the bacon is fried

I must spank my monkey

Before the paper is read
Before I get outta bed
Before good morning is said

I’m going to drain my balls
While thinking of a hot guy thru it all

eater of poets

i am an eater of poets
a poetvampire if you will
sucking poetryblood from necks,
taring out hearts
i have a lot of poethearts
cut the love out with a Ginsu steak knife
and eat it
nothing like good lovemeat from the hearts
of poets i hate
bitter & sweet
so ungood for me i know,
but i can’t help it
its in my nature
i'm a poetflesh cannibal
who destroys
and devours
eat the fingers of verse
for hours
crunch on the bones
pick a tooth
tell you poet, before i begin
that it’s going to hurt
its more than a pinch
more than a sting
more pain than you could ever believe
when i cut away,
bite into your poetmeat
for i am a poetmeateating monster
surviving off the fat of the land

cant

you cant pose naked in here
you cant show your twat tits and ass on camera
you cant smoke in here this is a no smoking smoking zone
this is no time for a bubble bath
what are you crazy
you cant show him showing his cock
you cant shave your balls in here are you nuts
you cant come in here and shave your balls
and leave shaved ball hair on the floor
this is no time to be jacking off
what are you doing jacking off
you cant jack off at a time like this, you jerk off
what is this, what are you doing
this isnt the time to explore your asshole, asshole
you just cant stand there and fingerfuck yourself
this is clearly not the time for fingerfucking
you cant suck him or grab his ass or give the impression
that hes being fucked
you have runs in your stockings
that girls got runs in her stockings
pull your shirt down no one wants to see those things
drop your legs no one wants to see your stuff
what is that
you cant bring that in here
what will people say
get away from me

To the Janitor on Second Level, Bobst Library

hey you, where are you going
you with your striped shirt
tucked into dark blue pants
cinched to your stomach
you take too much pride in your work
i was just saying to myself
i could never scrape gum to gunk
off floors for a living
could never empty trash cans
of other people's trash
your hair is an oil slick
how much does someone like you
make on a job like this anyway
food to pay
bills to feed
hey you there
cleaning glass
sweeping Tuesday's accumulations
in a dustpan
wiping away collagulation
from between grooves,
cubbyholes and corners
you think your better than me
i'm just a litterbug squashed
and sticking at the bottom of your sneaker
hey janitor with your rubber gloves
your air-freshening aerosols
your dynamic dust mop,
i salute you
and shall never take you for granted again

Litany for Jarret Keene

Jarret can I ask you a question?
Well… more like a few questions.
Have you written any poems lately?
And if so, have you written any poems
About pickles recently?
What about tighty-whities?
Do you have any poems about potted soil I could borrow?
Have you ever written poems about dry, cracked lips?
Jarret do you have any poems about chewing gum
Or cranberry-colored carpet cutters?
Jarret what about a poem about Lou Diamond Philips?
Got any Lou Diamond Philip poems or poems About Siamese cats?
Can you get me a moped for Christmas
With a poem about it taped to the exhaust pipe?
You got any Joyce Dewitt poems lying around?
Can I have a bite of your danish?
Could you write a poem about my taking a bite of your danish?
I could use a good platinum wig poem
And poems about nylon stockings and durags.
You got any poems like this anywhere in your possession?
Jarret when you write that poem about the chili burger,
can you copy a few copies for me?
Better yet, can I get some chili cheese fries
Wrapped in wide ruled notebook paper with a poem
About chili cheese fries written on it?
Remember those series of poems about Marilyn Manson
You said you were planning on writing?
Can I have one?
Jarret do you have any poems about hermaphrodites
Or poems about charbroiled chicken?
Or how about that poem you wrote about
Charbroiled-chicken eating hermaphrodites?
Do you still have that one?
Remember that bad dream you told me about, Jarret?
Did you write a poem about it?
Have you written any sonnets lately or a maybe a villanelle?
Can you write me a villanelle about pimple cream?
Would it be too much to ask, Jarret, if you could write
Me a poem about Timothy Busfield?
Got any poems about radioactive urine in Rice Krispies?
Or if you have a poem or two about pissing in cereal,
That would be so neat.
Jarret can you do me a favor?
Can you possibly write a poem about this dead armadillo
I saw in the road once?
I need a coconut poem.
I need a poem about pink elephants and pig feet pickled
In pig feet juice, Jarret.
Do you think you can write them?
I need a hockey puck poem, a monkey wrench poem
And a poem about wax fruit.
Jarret do you know anyone who has written
Poems about Tammy Faye?
Do you think you can write a sonnet on Tammy Faye?
I need it by Thursday.
This poem you wrote about deep fried chicken fingers
I’ve been hearing so much about, can you fax it to me?
I might put an anthology of poems together about kiwi milkshakes.
Do you have anything that fits this theme?
You know what I need, Jarret?
I need a Dana Plato poem.
I need some poems about anal beads and shrimp forks.
Jarret can you write me a poem about dust mops?
Jarret I want you to write seventy or so poems
About cum in shag carpet in a purple van.
Think you can do that?
Can you write about my hemorrhoids?
Can you write something about that bad case
Of anal warts I had last year?
I need a poem about chopsticks
And anti lock brakes.I need a Beau Bridges poem.
I need that, and a poem written about Anne Bancroft eating peach cobbler.
Think you can handle that?
If you can, tell me about it in a poem.

Supposed Titles to Poems I Have Yet to Write

Happy Homosexual
Intoxicated
You Know You Want Some
Don’t Move a Muscle until the Dead Come Home
Kerplunk
Lick My Love
Deranged
Eat Me
Peace Mentality
Piss and Shit
Frontal Nudity
Grit
Luv and Loathing
Laid Bare
Attack of the Fifty-Foot Dragqueen
Homosexual Poet
Loosened
Attack of My Fifty-Foot Mama
Spiders and Roaches
Faggot
He Took His Clothes Off
Kept In
Dark Blue
I’m a Homosexual with a Crush on William Shatner
Publicity Stunt
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Student Union Adds Transgender
What I’m Dying to Ask Matthew Broderick
Bread and Butter
Porn Star
Roasted Male Chauvinist Pig
For Crying Out Loud
Suffocator
Spleen
Quatrain for Paul Monette
Nervous Laugh
Damage
On Blowing Up the Leon County Courthouse
Fat Boy
Imagine Pageant
Republican Boyfriend
You Don’t Write Love Poems about Me Anymore
Slow Motion
Cocksucker for Romance
Shot to Shit
Sweet Piece of Shit
Faggotry
I Be
Happy Now?
Bastards and Bitches
Anything but This, Everything and More
I Heard That
Where are All My Gay Black Poets
To the Bone
Fat Bastard
The Last Time I Sucked a Black Dick
Concrete Heart
Itching Burning Sensation in My Heart
Cherry Pot Pie
Hard Candy Hard Ass
Kiss
Hometown
Covert Operation of Killer Poets
Anthony is a Beautiful Name
Sirens and Sanity
Blue Magic
Infatuation Infection
Raw
Reeling
Nigger Queer
Destruction of Property
Steaming Mad
Devil in Me
Kissing Eyes Open
Eve’s Adam’s Apple
Cum Shot
Breaking for Butterflies
Nancy Boy
Beefcake King
Gayness
Parachute
Prissy
Little Boy Blueballs
My First Love
Lemonade Dime
Glow
Bald-faced Liar
Deranger Stranger
Mr. Mid-life Crisis
Holding
n Purpose, By Mistake
Lesbian Chick
Flow Long
Shards
Damn It
Loser
Employee of the Month is Debbie
Rich and Famous Asshole
Salesperson 117
Loud Mouth
Serious Attitude Problem
Permanent Teeth
Hot Piss
Receiving
Anything for a Lover
Hands and Knees
Inner Bitch
Welcoming Committee
Drink It
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah
Evil
This is What Happens When I Make Love to Myself
Boy
Numb
Human
Stop Writing Epic Poems about My Dick, You Freak!
Taint
Tuff
Freak
Dried Blood
You Write Like a Girl
Plain and Simple, Cut and Dry
Fucked Up for Life
French Kissing in America
Back Scratches
Closets are for Clothes
Seether
Lover in Pink
Jeans and a T-shirt
In on the Outside
Denied
Star-Studded
Neat
Homo Milk